NCTJ Excitement and Fears.

We need a new word; One that explains an excessive amount of excitement running along side a vein of nerves. I suppose there could be a word already to explain this, I just haven't read my dictionary thoroughly enough!

So...Today I received the lovely surprise of my 'Journalist Works Journalist Instructions'. I thought because of this it would be wholly appropriate to voice some fears and some reasons why I am so excited.

Understandable Nerves...Enthusiastic Excitement...
-New People. This scares and excites me. I've spoken to a lot to the people on my course and we all seem to be on the same wave length, which is encouraging and will make the course a really good experience for us all because we all want roughly the same outcome.

-100wpm ... Shorthand. This is something that everyone will talk about in their blogs over the next few weeks. I will probably want to cry/throw things/laugh in the face of shorthand, but reading about other peoples experiences it is all about practice, like everything else in life, so this makes me a little optimistic (Yes Emily just used the word optimistic)

-14 Weeks of 9am-5:30pm days. This is one of the things that I am genuinely looking forward too, Yes I can hear you all saying "Oh how sweet, she really has not got a clue" I know I don't but let me go into it guns blazing and then you can say I told you so when I kick a bin for no reason.  I was reading the main 'advice' on the Brighton Journalist Works Blog and it basically says..."Forget about any life you might have had before the course, forget about the television, forget you have friends" Well that's how I read it anyway. But I am ready to immerse myself into the "Adult World" I am bored at the moment, I want to be working and proving myself.

-Exams. No-one likes them, I have never been very good at them, this is going to be interesting!

Madness. I Am Going To Talk About It.

So here is the thing, I LOVE books there is no getting away from that, I always have one on the go BUT, I only really buy them so that one day when I am all grown up I can buy and proper adult bookcase and show them all off. I've bought all sorts. I think I (MOSTLY) enjoy buying them and looking at them more than I do reading them. Sometimes I judge the book very much by it's cover, but I don't then want to ruin the magic and read it, What if it isn't what I was expecting at all and I get sad? 

Mr McEwan is a favourite of mine, I thought that I wanted to be his friend until he said Creative Writing degrees (Which I did a year of) were a waste of time, I got very angry and decided that he would be a bad friend anyway! But I suppose now I have realised that the course I did was in fact a waste of my time maybe I can re-evaluate our fictional friendship. Maybe we can have tea in London some time. In the bookcase Mr McEwan sits next to Matilda, Giles Coren and Caitlin Moran so there you go, I am surrounded by lots of lovely people whether they are real or not.

 Ms. Sylvia Plath. THE BELL JAR. Let us talk about THE BELL JAR. I adore it, it is just one of those books filled with genuine madness. It is one of those taboos though, everyone, the moment depression or any of the other mental issues comes up in conversation tries to look away from, make sure that you are not looking at anyone else, you might accidentally, in that glance give an opinion that does not conform with the rest of the group. I really enjoy a story about mental health, blah blah blah I am sympathetic and empathise with the people around them, but it doesn't mean I can't enjoy reading about it.

When I was 14 i tried to convince my family I was Bipolar, I'm not but I felt like I needed to be more interesting. No one believed me (Funnily enough) because I don't actually give off any signs of mania or depressions so my plan was ruined. Then I decided that my father had placed me in a state of forever childhood with his previous behaviour (It's not as interesting or dramatic as it sounds), that didn't work either because he didn't really have anything to say about it, so I just read lots and lots of books on the Father/Daughter relationship and that was fine but it doesn't actually fix anything, if anything it makes it worse, it means that you can see exactly what has happened in detail and you can see the ways to fix it but you can't actually fix it. In the end though I just decided to read about other people instead, it is a lot easier because I'm not mad I just like to create draamaaaa. I did say before I was an emotional rollercoaster of a friend...

Leaps and Bounds.

I spoke the other day about not knowing what to write about, and I think the problem has been that I've been trying to write about things I don't really have a lot of feelings for, how can I write about something I don't care about? So I sat and I thought, and then I thought some more and watched 2Point4 Children (I love that, I dedicate a lot of my time to programmes made at the beginning of the 1990's) then I came to a conclusion about a person in my life that isn't doing any good to my health and mental wellbeing, she is someone I need to get away from. Now, this then sparked me to LOOK more, look and take a proper interest in other peoples suggestions and conversations. It is hard to ween yourself away from a friendship that has always been a convenient friendship, nothing more. ANYWAY, I came to this conclusion and even though they have no connection whatsoever things started to happen, a beautifully lovely friend of mine put me in touch with a handful of people who said they would be happy to read my play (We'll get onto that later) and give me genuine feedback. I am not even slightly a fan of positive feedback, if I have done something wrong or something needs changing TELL ME, no matter what you might think I won't take it personally, I want to hear what I can do to improve it. After this I was on twitter and a writer whom I enjoy posted a link to a Journalism Awardy thingymajiggy, this made me happy because I have Two weeks until my Journalism Course begins and this just made me even more excited to start it. And last but not least I changed the name of one of the main characters in my play, this sounds insignificant but it really couldn't be anymore -Significant. I couldn't understand his character, which sounds odd because I created him in the first place, but he wasn't making sense and it all felt wrong and then I wanted to throw it all into a pond, BUT I changed his name and SUDDENLY HE WAS THERE, standing, watching, it was a lovely moment for my sanity.

And so, to get to the point of this post, I've written a play and so instead of writing about what I did on my holidays this year, which I don't really want to write about and you don't want to read about, I think a documented journey through the life of an aspiring Playwright could be equally heartbreaking and amusing at the same time (A perfect combination)

At the moment the ending on my play is causing me major distress, I like things to happen when I say they should happen and this is rebelling. It's making me pull faces like this...No emotion, the ending is causing sad moments like this where I just sit, that's all just sit.

 Now instead of procrastinating and not writing this damn ending, I am actually going to go and try and write something, even if it means sitting in the airing cupboard (again) or trying to balance on my head against my wardrobe, which might have been a mistake last time BUT I have a good feeling about it this time.




Have a Happy and Joy filled Bank Holiday Monday!

<3

Old Friends, New Inspiration.

It has just been one of those evenings ladies and gents. You know the kind I am talking about, bright and happy again instead of isolated and sad.

I am in an uninspired rut, it may not make sense as a phrase but it seems to work I suppose. It isn't fun which means I haven't been very fun, as too many people can testify to unfortunately.
Tonight made things that little bit better though. I opened up a little bit to my mummy as to why I have been such a horrible daughter and I tried to start building bridges but actually admitting that I was very very wrong, which really is not an easy thing to do if you are stubborn, and sometimes (Only sometimes) I can be stubborn and really piss people off. I don't do it on purpose, apparently I test people a lot, which I do, I have to check things...


ANYWAY blah blah blah... I read an old friends blog completely by accident this evening and it re-inspired me to write again. I haven't wanted to even touch my notebook for the past few weeks it jus felt acidic, I really hope at least one person understands what I mean...Her blog is beautiful and I really would recommend you read it, although I should ask her first before I start posting things. This person was a reaaaalllyyyy good friend of mine at School, we spoke about all the people we mutually disliked and shared stories about the boys we were texting at the time, but like most things people move onwards and upwards and everyone starts moving into different spheres.

She wrote about a 30 Day Challenge and because I am so bogged down in making this blog good I just haven't written anything so this could be the perfect reason to stop making excuses. Tomorrow is a new day and I might as well make the most of it, so I am taking a trip to IKEA, I mean where else is better to start again? Exactly.

So tomorrow...DAY ONE is 10 Random facts about myself. I might have to customise it slightly but we will just have to wait and see won't we...

Over and Out pretty humans.

People.

A post about those we don't actually know.

People are brilliant, we see them everyday, we exchange pleasantries and sometimes we share jokes; private jokes that only we shall ever know about.

Some people/most people are great until you actually meet them and realise that they are not the idea of perfection that you thought before they went and opened their mouths.

On a daily basis, depending on where I am, I fall in "Love" with at least three strangers. Yes I did use the word Love, although it's not real love but I have no other word to replace it with. The boy writing in a notebook on the train...The weird man who sparks up a conversation with you about how the lottery is corrupting us and the little girl who wants to be your best friend, shall i go on? Ok. Fictional Characters? Anyway these are the moments that make our days better. Yet, on the other hand there are those you wouldn't want to talk to because you know the magic will be lost when you realise who they REALLY are, they could be Killers, Morris Dancers (Not that I have anything against you), or worse...just plain mean.

I want you to be kind and considerate, take genuine interest in someone other than yourself...
I want you to start a Grease 2 fan club with me...
I want you to be MY BEST FRIEND YOU JUST LOOK SO FRIEND-LIKE...WE COULD BE FRIENDS! PLEASE...

...But I like the fact that I can live in a dream world, in my head, without anyone knowing.

Dream vs. Reality. A lovely mixture of the two...

You just have to write.

I think the main reason for a blog is to be noticed. You want yours to be different to his or hers. "Oh but that bit was really funny in her blog yesterday..." Or "Well I would never have thought to write that maybe I should retreat into the safety of my bedroom, no one will judge me there"

I'm writing this because I want to become a better writer and I am aware that this doesn't happen over night, it's going to take time, energy and a lot, a lot of perseverance. 

I will soon be embarking in a whole new direction. I've spoken about it before, my NCTJ course in Brighton. I am so excited because it actually feels like a right decision, University for me was not. But on the other hand I am scared, it sounds so dramatic but I am not the girl that shouts things out and makes her self heard around new people and I fear journalism is not that place for those with lower self esteem, please don't get me wrong I'm not a mouse and can be bossy and opinionated, it's just that first meet and greet with a whole new group of people. 

And so I think it is time for me to sit down and have a really good talk AT myself.

I am inspired to change because I want this. This is really what I want to work for, to prove to people that it wasn't a mistake leaving uni. And so little challenges must be set for the next four weeks to make sure that I go into my course all guns blazing, no excuses for blushing when asked to speak in a group, would The Times want someone like that, no they bloody wouldn't and I don't blame them.

The main thing must be...confidence is one thing, arrogance is another. I don't want it to go the opposite way, learning to cope by me, me, meeing. It's boring and everyone hates THAT person. So I will not be the HATED soul of the group (hopefully) I will be the one who brings cakes and some strong opinions of today's society and how I think we should and shouldn't be treated, people like that right?

Little and often. Little and often.